Great Pretenders

I have nothing against kaBAKLAan. Minsan pinag-iisipan ko kung sa aking past life BAKLA ako kasi I admit na babaeng-bakla ako sa pananalita and not only that I have somewhat gay influences in my writing terminologies. If may personal dictionary ako, it can be noticed na it is adulterated with gay lingos. Sa mga postings ko pag kabaklaan na at bakla na ang dating ko mabenta.
It's fun to be with the Achengs. I am very fond of them, never a dull moment kaya kahit na may kabaduyan at jologs ang mga lukaret ayos lang. Sa parties, sa shows at gigs they can easily be noticed because they are laud individuals. Maiingay, makukulit, sabihin na nating papansin sila pero okay lang at least sa hirap ng buhay nakakangiti at tawa tayo ng libre because of them. Contageous ang kanilang ipinapakitang kasiyahan.
As far as I know there are different kinds of gays, variety sila kung tutuusin. I dont have the time and the files to research into this but there one kind I have in my mind that is bugging. They are the great pretenders. I hate these CLOSET QUEENS. They are liars and deceivers. They are on the quest of deceiving the whole world. Though they know deep inside who they really are but they are doing their best to put on this mask. Niloloko ang sarili, ang mga kaibigan pati ang sariling pamilya.
Ako bilang babae, isang malaking insulto na ang karibal mo sa taong akala mo lalake na minahal mo ng buong puso at kaluluwa ay isa ring lalake. Mas madali pang tanggapin na babae siguro may nakitang mas doon sa third party. But in this case na madiscover mo na ang boyfriend mo o asawa should I say ay may ibang personality at dinadaya ka...my oh my this is so damn devastating. Napakasakit, kuya!

Hindi ko pa naman nararanasang matanso kasi when it comes to detecting dahil malakas ang pang-amoy ko at higit sa lahat I am pretty smart (ang yabang) at isa pa bakla rin ako...lols!
So in relation to this gumawa ako ng sariling checklist derived from observing people na mula't mula pa pinagduduhan ko nang berde ang dugo(ahahahahaaaaaaaaaaay!).

Dedicated ito sa lahat ng aking mga ka-SISTERan para hindi sila maloko.



BAKLA ANG PAPA MO KUNG......



---mas matagal siyang maligo kesa sa iyo
Kung ikaw 30 minutes lang sa loob ng banyo solved ka na
ang bakla inaabot ng isa hanggang dalawang oras( humahaba na ang varicose veins mo sa paa sa kakahintay)hindi pa lumalabas.



---apat hanggang lima ang klase ng sabon niya
kung ikaw...loyal ka sa paborito mong Perla soap kahit naglabas na ng manufacturer ng kulay pink dun ka pa rin sa white variant...check mo si Papa if gumagamit ng kulay puti(milk soap), orange(papaya) pink (guava) transparent brown, green at kung anu-ano pang kulay kaya rainbow na ang kulay ng soapdish nya dahil mga tunaw na sabon he previously used.


---mahuhulihan mo siya ng lalake
na nanonood ng TV sa loob ng kwarto(o kaya sala) na naka-topless at pawis na pawis
instead na babaeng nagpupulot ng underwears sa sahig.



---hinahanap niya(o kinukumusta) ang Masculados
pati Barako Boys at Viva Hot Men at kung sinu-sino pang male groups na wala na sa sirkulasyon as if feeling close---(di ba dapat ikaw ang mas naghahanap sa kanila?)


---instead na mga babaeng naghehello ang mga "bulaklak"
mga nude photos ng mga kaPAPAHAN ang makikita mong naka-instore sa My Pictures files ng computer niya (at worse picture niya mismo na ipinagkakalat niya sa internet!)


---mas madalas siyang mag shopping kesa sa iyo
...at say mo updated kung kelan at saan ang MIDNIGHT SALES


---sa panonood ninyong dalawa ng Horror Movies mas malakas at madalas pa siyang nagtitili kesa sa iyo


---sa pagtawid sa intersection, mas takot siyang masagasaan/mabundol kesa sa iyo
nagtataka ka nawala siyang bigla sa tabi mo yun pala nasa kabilang side na siya, nakatawid na at iniwan ka


---may pelikula si Sharon Cuneta, first day palang nakapanood na siya
unahan ka ba naman ng bakla! wahahahahaah!
(no offense to all Sharonian, this is a fact! malaking bahagi ng taga-hanga ni Ate Shawie ....badingers!
Ang aking hairstylist sa parlor big Sharon fan! hehehe)


---nakasalubong nyo si Judy Ann Santos o kaya si Jolina Magdangal sa mall natataranta siya



---sa shopping galore ninyo and he is about to choose his polo-shirt mas type niya ang kulay ang kulay pink, peach at lavender na favorite colors mo din


---backbiter siya
may kasabihan nga tayo na pag ang lalake pumapatol sa babae---bading!
may bading na maprinsipyo...lumalaban kung tama siya
pero may mga bading na bahag ang buntot they do have balls pero nakaurong
it means duwag, avoids confrontations
(kung magkakaroon man nang confrontations kundi may kakampi may padrino)

so pag nakabasa ka ng texts na bumira siya ng paninira,nanlalait o nang-iinsulto ng ating kabaro na girlalush ganito ang gawin mo
--makipagkita ka sa PAPA mo at
--bigyan mo ng isang matinding UPPER CUT

hindi kasalanang mag ala-Manny Paquiao ka this time
kasi ibig sabihin...
natanso ka...
niloloko ka lang nya...ginamit ka lang
para pagtakpan ang kaBAKLAan niya
DUMP him right away
Wag mong iyakan
He is not worth a single tear!

I am ME not YOU

My happiness is me, not you
Not only because you maybe temporary
But also because you want me to be what I am not

I cannot be happy when I change
Merely to satisfy your selfishness
Nor I can feel content when you criticize me
For not thinking your thoughts
Of for seeing like you do

You call me a rebel,
And yet each time I have rejected your beliefs
You have rebelled against mine

I do not try to mold your mind
I know you are trying hard enough to be just you
I cannot allow you to tell me what to be
For I am happy to be me

You said I was transparent
And easily forgotten
But why then did you use my lifetime
To prove to yourself who you are?

What If...

man, in his endless search for the unknown
finds out, he isn't at all ---alone;
that in his vast space he calls his own
he discovered another form of life that growns
ahh...what would his reaction be?
from such abyss, speculation chides
on the mystery it hides
finally bares the existence of another being

who breathes just like an earthling
also taking part in these marvelous cosmic scheme
he exhaustedly studied for a thousand year...
what if not only one but there are hundred worlds
wherein waters are inhabitable as life upholds...
would man stand-still in awe
on how nature takes score on its universal law
in constantly keeping the harmony of the spheres?

what if his co-inhabitants fin'lly cleared the messages
they long flutter throughout the the ages
should man make haste to meet
those signal senders beyond his wildest fleet
or in his constant fear shrink
frightfully disregard the proposed link
instead in his subtle folly, prepare a bait
to catch the prize or forever be consumed to wait...

what if extra terrestials are beautiful
far from man has vainly imagined---
(bunch of creeping freaks riding in flying engines!)
what if earth's most fairest faces, allegedly
compared would turn out to beapes--plunged in depravity
if reality blurted out in the universe
that he's more ugly receipient of the curse...

suppose these creatures are far intellectually superior
would man, in his arrogant behavior
be melted or be pushed to the brink
on finding another mind's evolving above his finiteness;
should he feel humiliated, as aslob on a pew
discovering all his vanities are nothing but deceit
in his depression, will he chose to sink
or outrageously rise up in conceit?

would man at the end of his quest, finds himself
a dumber genius, a vain flesh, giant or an elf
when at last, strangers be at close face-to-face?
shall all he hold for himself be swept away, totally efface
would he be willing to pay the cost
or in confusion, like a child in the dark be lost?
will he resent his ill-favored dominion, through weapon due
violently snatch back the glory he once knew

Old Yellow Paper

Last night when we are about to sleep, my niece Kaylen who was having her hard time to sleep get out of bed and went back to her habit or should I say undying hobby of trim, cutting and paste---then later I'll just throw them away.
She found these old drafts of mine written in old yellow paper---she thought these are Manila paper since they are no longer yellow but brown and brittle. Upon realizing they are not piece of brown Manila Paper she needs she gave them to me. As I started to browse on the pages, Kaylen appreciated the handwriting. "Tita, ang ganda, lagay mo sa computer" I singled out this particular page and read its content...


THINGS YOU DIDN'T DO

Remember the day I borrowed you brand new bike
and I dented it?
I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't
And I remember the time I dragged you to the beach,
and you said it would rain, and it did?
I thought you'd say "I told you so." But you didn't.
Do you remember I flirted with this guy
to make you jealous, and you were
I thought you'd leave me, but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry jam
all over your shirt?
I thought you'd hit me, but you didn't
And remember the time I forgot to tell (you)the dance was formal
and you showed up in jeans?
I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't
Yes there were lots of things you didn't do
But you put up with me, and you loved me
and you protected me
There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you
Once you returned
But you didn't.

and I found these lines at the bottom of the page
written in all caps
LOVE GROWS BY EXPRESSION
IT DIES BY NEGLECT

I don't remember if I was the one who wrote it, did I just copied it then revised? I really don't know but while I was reading the lines, a face, an image, a scene---a particular event in my young life flashed back into my mind---gee! it was my high school graduation.

At the parking lot of Metropolitan Theater I was sitting inside this big airconditioned van, While we were waiting for others to hop inside, I was sitting by the window watching the other graduates got out of the building in groups. There was this young man who was teasing me..."May mukhang malungkot dito...malapit nang umiyak" (Somebody look so sad here...and she is about to cry) I know he was referring to me I bluntly answered him back "Bakit naman ako iiyak?"(Why would I cry?) "May dapat bang iyakan?"(Is there something to cry about?). Syempre naman di mo na makikita yung crush mo. I just keep on ignoring him. He did that more than once. Didn't stop until we moved out of the venue.
Yes, I was feeling sad then but that sadness isn't enough to cry. The reason why I got out of the Theater is nababaduyan ako sa eksena sa loob. I saw some of my classmates hugging and crying each other. I don't get it why the hell would they cry over graduation. Most of us batchmates lives within the city, we can still see each other.
Later, on that night unknown to all of the population of the whole earth. I was crying in my sleep. Why? Was it because of those friends in the school that sooner or later I will miss? Those were tears of disgust. I can fool whole damn world but not this son of a jerk. He can read me and I hate this truth. Nakakainis.
In less than a year or two, this guy together with the other members of his family flew to United States for good. I was partly excited when I learned that their petition papers were approved but not when they were about to leave. He was bidding everybody goodbye for some reasons I was hiding in my room. I heard his footsteps approaching our door I was scared. He called my name once, twice after the third attempt I overheard him asking my whereabouts. I was in chill while I was muttering this line over and over again"Sige umalis ka...pakialam ko sa 'yo" I didn't stop til I heard ...."Baka ayaw di bale na lang...mahuhuli na po kami sa flight namin"

"Shit, alam nyang nandito ako sa loob."

Months and years had past, one of his close relatives gave me two addresses. One belongs to his sister and the other his mother's. I used both of them on sending cards and letter. I never attempted to send him one although I was aching to do so. One Christmas I got embarrased when I open the card from his sister and I found five dollar bill within. I read the notes at the back of the card which says " Pambili mo ng stamps and papers---sulat ka lagi ha...i love you". From then my letters prompted little by little...Any dollar bill simply embarrases me.
Exactly five years, his grandma did approach me. That son of a jerk wrote him a letter asking for help. She asked me if I knew this lady and her whereabouts. I frankly told her lola that I knew that thing but I wasn't given the chance to meet her. Harboring slight jealous within I asked why. The response was quite long but the word "Anak" sounded like a bomb.

I was aware of the affair, the name, the place---but of the child who was not even born when he leaves for US. His grandma has long gone but I was traumatized. I can't speak...I can't move. I felt betrayed I was asking bakit ganun? "Sa akin nagpaalam...ngayon iba ang hinahahanap"That creep!
It was past midnight that particular old yellow pad paper is like a double dose of caffeine Technically it is already Sunday dawn the date had changed since my niece incidentally found these old drafts. All lights were of but my mind is still on.
It was like watching an old re-run movie.
I vividly remember how I calmly reacted when the bomb was dropped into my ears. I could win an Oscar then. The old lady thought I knew everything so I acted like an OMNI(omniscient---lols). I realized I am really good. My whole world crashes down ---still nobody notices it.
I smiled when I recounted how did I get over him. How I pick up the pieces, although I got bugged with questions only that son of a jerk could answer.

BAKIT GANU'N AKALA KO BA WALA NA KAYO?
PAANO KAYO NAGKA-BABY?
ANO YUN REMEMBRANCE?

I thought of writing him a letter but I can't. Pride gets in my way. Ayokong magmukhang kawawa at magmukhang tanga.

This son of a jerk has killed me once---twice and that's enough.

I died once when he left for US. I died twice when I learned this child thing. I gave up to all the hopes I was holding to. But before I did that I spent three days accompanying the old lady on looking for some friends whom we thought could lead us on finding the ex of my ex. I don't know what was my motive then...I was thinking siguro pag nakita namin siya and he would learned I was a part of it. Conscience will strikes him back.
Our effort was in vain, on that night when his grandma told me that she thinks we must stop on looking for her. I cried in my sleep. My tears was not for my own but for that fact that up to the last ditch of effort to save that affair--He failed. I failed. We failed. Wala ring nangyari---nagpaubaya na nga ako...tumulong pa. But to no avail.
Wasn't I the one who encourages him with this words:
"SIGE UMALIS KA...MAGTRABAHO KA DUN...WORK YOURSELF TO DEATH HANGGANG SA YUMAMAN KA...PAG MAYAMAN KA NA BALIKAN MO SIYA...PATUNAYAN MO SA MGA MATA POBRENG MGA MAGULANG NUN NA KAYA MO...PARA HINDI KA NILA API-APIHIN."
Martyr pala ako...nasabi ko yun???(Parang tele-novela...ang baduy) or sobra ang ang sympathy ko kasi ayaw kong naapi kaming mga "hampas-lupa" ng mga mayayamang mata-pobre na limang libo lang ang pera sa bank account nagmamalaki na...lols!
After I cried that night, tinapos ko na lahat ng pag-asa sa kanya, dun sa paghahanap sa anak mayaman na yun at sa bata. Kinabukasan although the swollen eyes is a proof na umiyak ako...I was relieved parang nawalan na ako ng burden. Why would I bother to solve the problem of others. Bumalik sya dito...maghanap siyang mag-isa. Pinili niya ang Amerika. Magdusa siya.
Slowly I shun away from all of those people related to him. I stopped sending letters. If before hearing the any news about him and the whole family excites me, not anymore. The only thing that revives my interest was after three years when his grandma showed me pictures. It was picture of him and his new baby. I was so happy. It means he has fully moved on. I even asked " Wala po bang plano silang magbakasyon, miss ko na silang lahat?" Late nineties his mother came after a year or so his sisters' turn, all except that son of a jerk. I didn't dare to ask them anything about him.
I really don't care. My life has been happy without him. May isang importanteng nawala. Ang daming kapalit. I earned friends everywhere. I got career, jobs. Napalitan ko pa siya ng lima (hehehe) kaya lang wala akong sineryoso. That would probably the consequence of that. The reason why I am so antipatika on those people na aalis then babalik maghahanap ng bakas dito. I've got a handful of friends who suffered failed on their marriage life abroad bumalik para ipahanap ang mga exes---mga estupido/estupida de gagos and gagas! Bakit palagay nila sa mga taong iniwan nila dito lifeless? As if handful of statutes na kung saan mo iniwan...dun mo rin dadatnan? Wala silang karapatang magmahal at mahalin? Na nang umalis ka tumigil mundo nila sa pag-ikot?

When I found that old yellow pad paper on the floor the next morning, I don't feel anything...just a piece of paper na kailangang ligpitin o kaya itapon kung hindi na kailangan. Though I must admit that piece of old pad paper brought me back some faces and memories .It had made me wander and wonder what' s going on with him.

Why AliTapTap

It is one of the code names I loved to pen on my writings but I was not able to use it publicly. Alitaptap is firefly tagalog...the word firefly has some connections with my real name. "Luci" involves fire and light and the factor that the Alitaptap is tiny and small, so am I. Like mosquito, one that could hardly notice its existence but because it bears a tiny light within it becomes noticable. When I saw real fireflies in one of the wild fields of Calapan, Mindoro for the first time I was so amused and amazed. Amused because they came in hundreds, a beautiful site in a place where electricity hasn't developed yet. Amazed because I was wondering how do their small bodies can bear light, of how can they glow themseves in the dark.
I had handful of codenames I used before in different era, chapters for different ocassions of different group of people. Pickles, Supergirl, Anak ni Darna, China Blue, ButterflyKisses, Crystalynx, The Drifter in The Dark, Hopeless Romantic and Unnoticed Firefly where I got my newest identity as a Blogger. I am now AliTaptap.
When I was working in a Mini-Hospital this 2 year old Michelle who Aunt was working with me, mistaken me as her untie's companion who seemed to drag her away from them used to call me Alice. She taught my name was Alice, because we were alis nang alis( always leaving). She keeps on calling me Alice. It took us a year or so before that mistake was corrected.
A-l-i =Ali. I was delighted to know that my favorite Irish superstar's third child was named Alice and she is now Ali for short. Double Tap which is taptap is my appreciation for having the Tapdancer in my life. Tapdancer is one of the few precious friends I had in the music business. This tap lady is Nyoy's gift to me. So funny and amusing that whenever she makes and account on any site, she has so make it in two. she could not contain herself and her friends into one account. As if nangungulit that one must log into the two accounts.

Alitaptap is a tiny lightbearer by task . I can recall the words of these old Pastor few years back about my being a lightbearer. He was advising me to not to leave. "Pag umalis ka...kawawa naman ang kapatid mo...she will be left in the dark. You are bearing the light, pag umalis ka ...wala na ang ilaw" Through the years until that old man went with the Lord I was being haunted by his lines. I never wanted to be a lightbearer, such an odd task. What I know is I am more of a waterbearer because of my being an aquarian.
Anyway, WATERBEARER or LIGHTBEARER whatever wherever as long as they rhyme. AliTapTap is now signing in to a different and new era of blogging.
Enjoy!!!

to the unseen

my naked eyes cannot see you

but I know you're just there

faithfully guarding and guiding

protecting me through and through

it ain't matter where you

choose to stand, sit or fly

infront, my side or at my back

either down or low as long as you are nigh

You must be the unknown spirit

who tickles me with touches

softly dances around my crib

a babe was I showered with smiles

never been at all, aware

I grew up you were still there

my walks, talks, my fancies and cares

nothing was hid, you had seen them all

you are the closest witness

to all my glories, triumphs and falls

my follies, hidden sins----weaknesses

oh, you had known me all along

you ought to be the wings of my joys

who brings the clouds upon my feet

as if you also roam in wildest fleet

whenever this heart of mine overflows

you must be the furious wind

that rages in maddening circles

when I cried out loud indespair

above my head--you are the agonizing whirlwind

you are the ever strength

upon my frail arms and legs

my lone messenger to the throne

who whispers off my petitions and pleas

my constant companion---friend

in all my distant journeys

one who lightens up my bearings

my shield, my veil from harm and ills

how many irk-lurking demonds

had you swept away from me?

and how many battles you had lost

because of my insane stupidity?

had I failed you yet more of a thousand times

that you remain there--soft and still?

rubbed off all my restlessness each night

grant me sleep of tranquility

from birth down to the grave

until my life on earth expires

you will be the prize trasure

my soul shall ever keep

it will take death to see you

it will take forever to thank you

even my last breath I shall give away

surely my spirit will find you there

my sweet guardian angel

so kind and true---ever faithful too

are you up there gladly swirling in the air

knowing I am writing this for you?

I wrote this piece around 1999 when I was left all alone by my lawyer-boss who flew to the US to be with his wife for Christmas. I was spending the nights of December at the third floor of the pension house own by the Capulongs located at Antipolo Street, Makati City. Yes, I was alone but I don't feel lonely, scared or depressed just like some of the people I know who hates and scared being alone. I was perfectly alright after spending the whole day with less office work since the boss wasn't around. My mind got drifted on the things not seen, probably inspired on what I heard, read and watch about unseen spirits I got tickled with these thoughts. As if writing to a friend...I poured out my thoughts and emotions without any fear and inhibitations.
Since my imagination of angels are tall, shiny, goodlooking and strong just like American and European guys I spontaneously wrote my piece in English. I had forgotten that these beings are intelligently---multilingual. I don't remember where, when or who told me this school of thoughts, but that what my faith embossed into my mind.
When I was young, my grandma made me believe whenever I do good...makes my wings at the back grow. That someday this so called wing will grow big enough then I could wing my way to heaven. I will just fly higher than the birds.
Education and comprehensive Bible teachings evaded these belief that somehow molded my perspective on these creatures. I had learned that though they are spirits. They are personalities with the non-existence of flesh and blood. They can be felt with out touching.
I was able to finished this free-verse poem satisfied and happy as if I had written a note to a friend which I know its content will make him happy that is why I concluded this piece with a teasing/tickling line. I loved this short poem that in a matter of days. I was able to wrote a counterpart of it entitled TO THE ACCUSER which upon writing had caused me stress and nerve wrecking feeling. I was once told "You can never play with the demonds without getting burned". It took me days to finish the second piece. I know my stress and uncomfortable feelings is just manifestation of spiritual wrestling. The first piece got done in less than an hour but the second one was a struggle.

When I was working on my second book "THE EXTREME CONTRASTS OF MY LIFE" piece by piece I tried to encode my articles into my own briefcase inside my boss' computer in the office. As what I had anticipating something went wrong. When I was working on this second piece. My whole documentation was erased. I was depressed and these thoughts came into my mind. Don't mess with an enemy unless you are armed, prepared and strong enough. These demon doesn't want to be exposed, hates to be talked about. Until now my second book is still progress because of that incident. My compilation of extremes is yet intact but filing up.

My guardian angel and my guardian demon are one of the extreme contrasts of my life both unseen, one was God-Sent, the other was Devil-Sent. I had lived with both throughout my life. The first was my friend...the second one was an enemy(has anybody told me that demons are billing conscious too...they hate to be seconders---hahaha...what a word!).
Anyway I am still interested on including these UNSEEN forces in my second book. It would not be easy I know because this will cause spiritual wrestling and colliding of good and evil in my domain. I pray God gives me strength and power.
I already lost the piece on THE ACCUSER (I know he hates EXPOSE' but I am more determined to do my pending project that is long over-due. As if repeating what had happened before. I am struggling to finish a piece in days but I don't mind. If it is His will. It will be done