Old Yellow Paper

Last night when we are about to sleep, my niece Kaylen who was having her hard time to sleep get out of bed and went back to her habit or should I say undying hobby of trim, cutting and paste---then later I'll just throw them away.
She found these old drafts of mine written in old yellow paper---she thought these are Manila paper since they are no longer yellow but brown and brittle. Upon realizing they are not piece of brown Manila Paper she needs she gave them to me. As I started to browse on the pages, Kaylen appreciated the handwriting. "Tita, ang ganda, lagay mo sa computer" I singled out this particular page and read its content...


THINGS YOU DIDN'T DO

Remember the day I borrowed you brand new bike
and I dented it?
I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't
And I remember the time I dragged you to the beach,
and you said it would rain, and it did?
I thought you'd say "I told you so." But you didn't.
Do you remember I flirted with this guy
to make you jealous, and you were
I thought you'd leave me, but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry jam
all over your shirt?
I thought you'd hit me, but you didn't
And remember the time I forgot to tell (you)the dance was formal
and you showed up in jeans?
I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't
Yes there were lots of things you didn't do
But you put up with me, and you loved me
and you protected me
There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you
Once you returned
But you didn't.

and I found these lines at the bottom of the page
written in all caps
LOVE GROWS BY EXPRESSION
IT DIES BY NEGLECT

I don't remember if I was the one who wrote it, did I just copied it then revised? I really don't know but while I was reading the lines, a face, an image, a scene---a particular event in my young life flashed back into my mind---gee! it was my high school graduation.

At the parking lot of Metropolitan Theater I was sitting inside this big airconditioned van, While we were waiting for others to hop inside, I was sitting by the window watching the other graduates got out of the building in groups. There was this young man who was teasing me..."May mukhang malungkot dito...malapit nang umiyak" (Somebody look so sad here...and she is about to cry) I know he was referring to me I bluntly answered him back "Bakit naman ako iiyak?"(Why would I cry?) "May dapat bang iyakan?"(Is there something to cry about?). Syempre naman di mo na makikita yung crush mo. I just keep on ignoring him. He did that more than once. Didn't stop until we moved out of the venue.
Yes, I was feeling sad then but that sadness isn't enough to cry. The reason why I got out of the Theater is nababaduyan ako sa eksena sa loob. I saw some of my classmates hugging and crying each other. I don't get it why the hell would they cry over graduation. Most of us batchmates lives within the city, we can still see each other.
Later, on that night unknown to all of the population of the whole earth. I was crying in my sleep. Why? Was it because of those friends in the school that sooner or later I will miss? Those were tears of disgust. I can fool whole damn world but not this son of a jerk. He can read me and I hate this truth. Nakakainis.
In less than a year or two, this guy together with the other members of his family flew to United States for good. I was partly excited when I learned that their petition papers were approved but not when they were about to leave. He was bidding everybody goodbye for some reasons I was hiding in my room. I heard his footsteps approaching our door I was scared. He called my name once, twice after the third attempt I overheard him asking my whereabouts. I was in chill while I was muttering this line over and over again"Sige umalis ka...pakialam ko sa 'yo" I didn't stop til I heard ...."Baka ayaw di bale na lang...mahuhuli na po kami sa flight namin"

"Shit, alam nyang nandito ako sa loob."

Months and years had past, one of his close relatives gave me two addresses. One belongs to his sister and the other his mother's. I used both of them on sending cards and letter. I never attempted to send him one although I was aching to do so. One Christmas I got embarrased when I open the card from his sister and I found five dollar bill within. I read the notes at the back of the card which says " Pambili mo ng stamps and papers---sulat ka lagi ha...i love you". From then my letters prompted little by little...Any dollar bill simply embarrases me.
Exactly five years, his grandma did approach me. That son of a jerk wrote him a letter asking for help. She asked me if I knew this lady and her whereabouts. I frankly told her lola that I knew that thing but I wasn't given the chance to meet her. Harboring slight jealous within I asked why. The response was quite long but the word "Anak" sounded like a bomb.

I was aware of the affair, the name, the place---but of the child who was not even born when he leaves for US. His grandma has long gone but I was traumatized. I can't speak...I can't move. I felt betrayed I was asking bakit ganun? "Sa akin nagpaalam...ngayon iba ang hinahahanap"That creep!
It was past midnight that particular old yellow pad paper is like a double dose of caffeine Technically it is already Sunday dawn the date had changed since my niece incidentally found these old drafts. All lights were of but my mind is still on.
It was like watching an old re-run movie.
I vividly remember how I calmly reacted when the bomb was dropped into my ears. I could win an Oscar then. The old lady thought I knew everything so I acted like an OMNI(omniscient---lols). I realized I am really good. My whole world crashes down ---still nobody notices it.
I smiled when I recounted how did I get over him. How I pick up the pieces, although I got bugged with questions only that son of a jerk could answer.

BAKIT GANU'N AKALA KO BA WALA NA KAYO?
PAANO KAYO NAGKA-BABY?
ANO YUN REMEMBRANCE?

I thought of writing him a letter but I can't. Pride gets in my way. Ayokong magmukhang kawawa at magmukhang tanga.

This son of a jerk has killed me once---twice and that's enough.

I died once when he left for US. I died twice when I learned this child thing. I gave up to all the hopes I was holding to. But before I did that I spent three days accompanying the old lady on looking for some friends whom we thought could lead us on finding the ex of my ex. I don't know what was my motive then...I was thinking siguro pag nakita namin siya and he would learned I was a part of it. Conscience will strikes him back.
Our effort was in vain, on that night when his grandma told me that she thinks we must stop on looking for her. I cried in my sleep. My tears was not for my own but for that fact that up to the last ditch of effort to save that affair--He failed. I failed. We failed. Wala ring nangyari---nagpaubaya na nga ako...tumulong pa. But to no avail.
Wasn't I the one who encourages him with this words:
"SIGE UMALIS KA...MAGTRABAHO KA DUN...WORK YOURSELF TO DEATH HANGGANG SA YUMAMAN KA...PAG MAYAMAN KA NA BALIKAN MO SIYA...PATUNAYAN MO SA MGA MATA POBRENG MGA MAGULANG NUN NA KAYA MO...PARA HINDI KA NILA API-APIHIN."
Martyr pala ako...nasabi ko yun???(Parang tele-novela...ang baduy) or sobra ang ang sympathy ko kasi ayaw kong naapi kaming mga "hampas-lupa" ng mga mayayamang mata-pobre na limang libo lang ang pera sa bank account nagmamalaki na...lols!
After I cried that night, tinapos ko na lahat ng pag-asa sa kanya, dun sa paghahanap sa anak mayaman na yun at sa bata. Kinabukasan although the swollen eyes is a proof na umiyak ako...I was relieved parang nawalan na ako ng burden. Why would I bother to solve the problem of others. Bumalik sya dito...maghanap siyang mag-isa. Pinili niya ang Amerika. Magdusa siya.
Slowly I shun away from all of those people related to him. I stopped sending letters. If before hearing the any news about him and the whole family excites me, not anymore. The only thing that revives my interest was after three years when his grandma showed me pictures. It was picture of him and his new baby. I was so happy. It means he has fully moved on. I even asked " Wala po bang plano silang magbakasyon, miss ko na silang lahat?" Late nineties his mother came after a year or so his sisters' turn, all except that son of a jerk. I didn't dare to ask them anything about him.
I really don't care. My life has been happy without him. May isang importanteng nawala. Ang daming kapalit. I earned friends everywhere. I got career, jobs. Napalitan ko pa siya ng lima (hehehe) kaya lang wala akong sineryoso. That would probably the consequence of that. The reason why I am so antipatika on those people na aalis then babalik maghahanap ng bakas dito. I've got a handful of friends who suffered failed on their marriage life abroad bumalik para ipahanap ang mga exes---mga estupido/estupida de gagos and gagas! Bakit palagay nila sa mga taong iniwan nila dito lifeless? As if handful of statutes na kung saan mo iniwan...dun mo rin dadatnan? Wala silang karapatang magmahal at mahalin? Na nang umalis ka tumigil mundo nila sa pag-ikot?

When I found that old yellow pad paper on the floor the next morning, I don't feel anything...just a piece of paper na kailangang ligpitin o kaya itapon kung hindi na kailangan. Though I must admit that piece of old pad paper brought me back some faces and memories .It had made me wander and wonder what' s going on with him.